You’ve Been Hired: An Employee Guidebook for Donald J. Trump

Dear Donald J. Trump,

As you know, on November 8th, 2016 you were hired to hold the office of the President of the United States. You are now a public servant. I’d like to take this opportunity to introduce myself and the 300 million other citizens of this Republic, otherwise known as We the People. We are your employers — the collective “Boss” if you will.

On January 20th, 2017, you will begin your employment with the swearing of an oath. From that day on, until the end of your 4 year term, you are responsible for the following duties. While responsibilities of this office have generally been understood by its previous 44 occupants, as you are new to public service, we feel the need to acquaint you with the POTUS employee handbook.

You will conduct yourself in a manner befitting the Office. This includes putting all of its citizens and residents before yourself and treating them ALL with the respect and decency they deserve.

You will uphold and defend the entirety of the Constitution of the United States. This document is not ala carte. We suggest you familiarize yourself with it by thoughtfully and carefully reading it in its entirety.

You will publicly condemn and act swiftly to eradicate all acts of hate, violence and discrimination, particularly those directed toward marginalized peoples including, but not limited to African-Americans, Muslims, Native Americans and people from the LBGTQ community. You will also publicly condemn and act swiftly to eradicate discrimination and violence towards women.

You are also expected to work tirelessly towards the following goals:

  • Ensuring all citizens and residents have access to adequate, affordable health care.
  • Ensuring all citizens and residents have access to an adequate and affordable education.
  • Ensuring all citizens and residents have access to clean drinking water and clean air to breathe.
  • Ensuring all citizens and residents have the opportunity to earn a living wage and that no man, woman or child will go hungry or be without a home.
  • Ensuring that members of our armed services and their families are well-compensated for the incredible sacrifices they make to protect this country — and that they will be given every resource needed to heal any harm,  to mind or body, that may have befallen them while in service.
  • Ensuring that the private business interests of both you and your family members do not financially profit or otherwise gain from your role as President of the United States.
  • You will work with other heads of state to support and enact initiatives to help protect the future health of our planet.
  • You will not redirect precious resources that are needed for the above goals towards wasteful and/or unconstitutional initiatives, including, but not limited to, building walls on our borders, creating a registry of people of a particular faith and mass deportations of undocumented immigrants.

If I have inadvertently omitted any necessary duties above, I call on all of my fellow employers and members of the human resources department to supplement this list. In addition, if the above guidelines are not adhered to by the Employee with 100% good faith and dedication, I beseech We The People to terminate employment.

Best of luck. Now get to work.

Robin Harper